#Day19 = #9DaysToGo

Today’s theme is My First Love

I remember when I was in kindergarten, I liked a boy. He’s so charming, smart, and handsome. His skin was clear, toothed teeth (we’re 6 y.o guys), with side bangs hair. When we were asked to sing a song in front the class, while we’re singing ‘Balonku Ada Lima’, he sang ‘Twinkle-twinkle Little Star’ instead. I was amazed someone at my age could sing in English. Even now I couldn’t sing it confidently. LOL. One day, he stood up right beside me and I was asking a question, “when you’re grow old, who will you marry with ?” recalling that moment give smirk now. Hahahaha.. and he answered ,”you”. Dangg !! he’s the first boy who wants to marry me ! LOL. Later on, he had to move to another city following his parents so he didn’t go to same elementary school with me.

Next, when I grade 5^th elementary school, there was another boy who confessed that he liked me. He said at the School’s Health Clinic. It was crowded, full of our friend curious about us. When he said, “I like you. Do you want to be my girlfriend ?” first I answered “no”, because I were too young for having a relationship. Because it’s noisy, so none could hear me, except my fried, just call him A. He said, “how rude ! he gathers his courage and you will break his heart”. Hearing that, I change my reply, “alright, if that so, I said yes !” that time I said louder than before. Everyone cheered up, took some photos of us, and congratulated us. LOL.  Fun fact : I met him again on college, nevertheless, he was on another faculty. He grew up well but I heard he’s a player. Hahahaha..

That’s my puppy love. When in high school, I got into my first serious relationship. I called it serious because we had including our family to our story. His mother was so welcomed me, but it didn’t apply to my mother. We’re in different religion so.. my mother didn’t bless our relationship, yet I knew after we broke up that she was like him because actually he’s a reliable man. But having the longest distance relationship, in order to the faith, it’s like waiting for the bomb to explode, isn’t ?

Well, that’s my first love. According to my story, which one is my first love ? LOL

On my 9 to go before marriage.. there’s a little progress for our preparation. Slow progress is also a progress, no ?

Ps : I have to admit that today I write 3 writings. I skipped my 2 previous writing because I felt tired yesterday, even I felt unwell.  But now I feel better :D     

#Day18 = #10DaysToGo

Today’s theme is : Thirty facts about myself

Okay. Let’s get started !

1. My full name is Maria Harina Nugraheni

2. You can call me Neni.

3. or call me Harina, but I prefer number 2

4. just DON’T call me Maria.

5. Idk, but name ‘Maria’ just too holy and I feel burdened.

6. It’s kinda sad if someone who supposedly knew me in the past, having an intense meetings, then they call me Harina, or the worse, Maria.

7. I’m 27 years old

8. I’m Capricorn

9. and I do agree if someone said being Capricorn as a stubborn and conservative.

10. I’ve lived on Yogyakarta

11. with my mother in the house

12. while my sister is working on the other city

13. I was a dentistry student at first

14. only for two months, but then I was going back to Yogyakarta

15. I had lived on Bali

16. for 4-5 months and I call it utilitarian holiday

17. I’m an overthinker

18. I like to think A LOT about EVERYTHINGS

19. I love food

20. I’m like a girl who has an obsessed with food

21. When feel sad, I love to eat

22. when I’m bored, I like watch mukbang videos –and eat

23. how to treat me ? gimme delicious food

24. especially seafood

25. I love music

26. but not to mention certain singer/band, whenever they come from, if the song is good, I will love it 

27. and I could hear my favorite song all day long

28. I love my family

29. of course include my fiancée

30. these are all I can share. If you want more facts about me, just come and get to know me ! :D

Well.. on my 10 days to go before marriage.. I have to more focus on it since I like to procrastinate my wedding preparation. I had to think about my test, my work, my moving, and everything at the same time so I make a priority. After I finished my test, it’s the right time to prepare my wedding. I share work with my fiancée and yeah.. one by one things get clearer. Thank God.

 

#Day17 = Day11ToGo

Today’s theme is ways to win my heart

Talked about how to win my heart, when it goes about love-relationship, I’d like to a man who’s playing cool. I like mysterious man, makes me wonder about my own feeling whether he likes me or not. When there’re no more things to talk about, it’s kinda challenging to keep the conversation going. Sometimes I have to wait until the next morning so our chit-chat still continue, or wait to answer the message for a few moment, even though I’ve read it already, just to-be-not-so-obvious if I really into him (in case I answer it in the speed of light. LOL)

On the other note, in general, I like smart people; it isn’t just ‘like’ a smart people, but ‘real’ smart. How they talk, both basic and specific knowledge (according to their education), their response about something. Idk, but for people who knows how to operate and fix computer, laptop, mobile phone, have a special place in my heart. LOL.Next important thing is about how’s the joke. For what I observe, I’m prefer to ‘twitter’ person than the instagram’s one, especially when our followings are relatable. We can talk about twitwars there.

The taste of music can be one of the hidden gem. Once I had meet a person he’s really cute, we texted for some days, but… we had a different taste of music, his was above the sky. He liked indie music, Arctic Monkey (oc it’s including the famous Alex Turner), the smiths, tame impala. I just.. well.. I didn’t know about the music. Made me realized we had an akward time together. It didn’t last long tho.. after we weren’t chummy anymore, I tried to listen his preferred music and I’m into it now !

One more thing, I think everyone’s agree that we don’t like intolerant yet racist people, do we ? Just ignore it for your mental health. I’m not a person who will confront things I don’t like, well.. I did it, to be honest, but to certain people. I’m will cry if I have an argument for something I’m not comfortable ~

On my 11 days to go.. I HAD DONE MY TEST ! and the result…… it’s pretty good. If my calculation’s right, I could be accepted to my CPNS. It means.. Lampung here I come….. it’s mixed feeling. Both happy and sad at the same time…… God…. Please help me to walk into the pathway You’ve chosen me.. give me strength…..       

#Day16 = #12DaysToGo

Today’s theme is Someone I miss

It’s not odd when I say I miss (old) myself, isn’t ? I miss myself back on 2012-2014. I think I was way happier with less complicated problem of life. Well, I haven’t passed my quarter life crisis yet, so.. maybe that is the point. Or what about myself on my elementary school, back on 2003 – 2007 ? When I had solid classmate, there’s no gangs in the class. All of us just divided into two groups, women and men. We, the girls, had an opportunity to tease our handsome teachers, but instead of it, we just make them our daily material jokes. It’s the girls next door who did it. LOL.

Yeah, grow up is hard, y’all. We can’t avoid older ages but being mature is a choice. Disclaimer : I feel I’m not mature (yet). I’m still on my trying mode on then (I will always be trying, because what’s the standard on being mature is ?)

Every choice in the many options has their own ways : whether the strengths or weakness, whether the threats or opportunities. And that’s what we should think about, isn’t ? Living on the intersection to lead what’s goal to achieve, but some still doesn’t even know what they want to. Yes, I’m talking about myself.  To talk about my own goal, to be honest I haven’t convinced it yet. I’m living on the many intersections. It’s challenging yet confusing.

My friend once said that if we feel indecisive, worrying about the next step, think a lot, it means we’re growing up. It’s the phase of it. And that’s what make we feel alive, no ? what’s living without problem ? I sometimes ask my patient if they had too many problems in their live to think much about (if they had indication for psychosomatic related disease), and one of them said, ‘always I have problems, doc. I’m not living if I had no problems’ . yes, I has asked the stupid question. LOL

So.. enjoy it, pals (note to myself : heyyy.. you’re gonna living on many problems ! face it ! trying to do something to solve it, don’t always stop by think of it but do it !)

Okay, on my 12 days to go.. same with my older post, nothing to say here because I write it on the same day. I had to study by the way..  last thing, whoever read this writing, I hope you all safe and healthy, it’s okay to have problems, embrace it and do something for it !    

#Day15 = #13DaysToGo

Today’s theme is “If you could run away, where will you go ?”

It’s hard question because at this point, I don’t want to go everywhere except my own house. As I always said on my previous writings, I have to go, so the thing is.. I feel not ready to go. But who’s fully ready for doing some massive life changes ?

If I have  to recall place to run away, I will say maybe  the kind of library. I’d like to go somewhere quiet yet I could wander through the internet. It would be perfect if they had cafeteria or something I could eat so it’s unnecessary to go other place.  

I did it when I was in high school till college. I’m not into study at home (at that time) because home is too homey and I want to do is sleeping, even though I had to study. Then I ended up in the library. When I was in college I stayed in the campus library while waiting for the next class, if one to other had a gap. To be honest I’m not always study at there, I spent most time to googling or sleeping. Yeah, some of my friend caught me laid on the desk. LOL.

On the recent days, I am more comfortable in my home. Not also because this is pandemic and I feel safe here, but also I just happier here. One thing that I had to kick off is my procrastination that lead to my laziness.

Well.. I must confess that this is my third time to cheating. I write two writings on the same day. Yesterday I was tired of do nothing. I supposed to study for my test tomorrow, but there are a lot of things to learn in, I confused where to start. They all say the same question all day and the queries is exact same through days.. but yesterday, I was shocked because many said that they have changed the questions. It’s a lot more to study and memorize.

One good thing I had yesterday was I had a delicious dinner. It’s pork base and it’s just sooo good. But the test way more confusing so I had no mood to eat. LOL.

On my 13 days to go.. there nothing to say. I stop all the marriage-things-to-do  because I want focus on my test. One by one problem has to be done.   

#Day14 = #14DaysToGo

Today’s theme is Describe Your Style

To be honest I don’t know what to write about this. Is it style on get dressed ? if that so, my attire follows my mood on the day. Nevertheless, during this pandemic since I don’t go out except for work, I just wear my clinic’s daily uniform. Even when I had an online meeting, I still use it because most of my forum is related to my job.

My kind of style is comfortable. it’s fun to have a both spouse and friends who don’t seem too care about what you’re wearing. My recent boyfriend almost never asks me about fashion and so do my friends –well, a few did, but I don’t meet them again since a long time ago. Unlike my high school former boyfriend and my friends, they’d a big impact for my fashion sense. One day I had an appointment with him, he was on his motorcycle. When I opened my door wearing my comfy suit; t shirt and jeans, he sighed, asked me to change the clothes. Well, I thought it’s too much since we won’t go for formal plan. But I changed it, tho.. hahaha..

My popular style when I was on my college was vintage. I’d like to wear my shirt or polo-shirt, with my mother’s 7/8 long skirt, with my sneakers, my backpack, and messy hair. I was amazed when my kind of style little recognized. Hahahaha.. but now I don’t have to wear skirt anymore ~

I had bad judge about one type of clothes. I really don’t like clothes with the big shoulder. It was popular back on 2009s maybe ? it’s not like shoulder paddling, but shoulder wrinkle. It’s just… weird ? like this :  

i can't find the proper clothes, but it's look alike 

Next, on my 14 days to go before marriage.. well.. today was the determination of my last days on clinic. My friend had assigned for the MoU, and by doing that, she has to start work per 1^st October. But she had an training then I’m on charged until 2^nd October. It’s sad when I had to tell my friends there that I’m not stay longer at the clinic. Because.. yeah… I have to move, haven’t I ?

My overthinking came up again, then I searched for job vacancy in Jakarta. Well, I feel worried. Again and again and again, God.. please lead me. I really don’t know where to go.. three days from now I will ‘unboxing’ my future.. give me big heart to receive your plan, God..

#Day13 = #15DaysToGo

Today’s theme is Favorite Book

These past days I just remember to this book, to Kicau Kacau by Indra Herlambang. I’ve had this book for a very long time ago, since my college in 2013, and I re read it on March 2020. My friend borrowed the book from me and as far as I remember, she hasn’t returns it back until now. Luckily, I could find the e book version so I could read again.

This book was about the author’s, Indra Herlambang, thought and opinions about things happened in his life. He said some quotes he’d tweeted, then by the tweets he wrote what’s on his mind. It’s really good, imho. Knowing his point of views on certain things, even sometime I still remind yet think that his words could applicable into myself.

One tweet that hits me hardly

Kalau liat semuanya salah, jangan-jangan yang salah matanya ?

I’m a hothead person, moreover when it’s time to get my period. I could easily offended by innocent words of people. I feel everything is wrong. Then I remember the tweet, I realized the root of the problem is myself.

Some of his stories on the book are related into daily life, it showed he as a (over)thinker as well. I like to know his sight about issues. Maybe he didn’t mean it to, but the book could tell his historical lifetime. He’d joined the 1998’s demonstration, even he’s the medical team (he mentioned because he once a red cross when he’s in junior high school).

As his followers on twitter, I could tell many good things he did, such as he’s a scholarship when high school, he was accepted into two well-known universities and end up picked one of them. One more thing that makes him cooler’; he’s prefer to laugh and tease himself than to the other person. It’s not easy, jokingly and make fun of our weakness but still not pitiful to someone who read them, instead they will reflect.

I can’t wait for his second book ! (as he said, there will be the next book, it’s few years ago since he claimed it but till now it haven’t realized yet)

On my 15 days to go.. well. It’s certain that I will count down my last day on my recent clinic. Sounds stupid, going out from job on this days, but I have to.. haven’t I ?   

 

#Day12 = #16DaysToGo

Today’s theme is favorite series.

I’ve said on my previous post that I have ups and down about film. I ever had love American Horror Story. I watched it from season 1-9. It’s 9 years because they released the series per year, even I just started to watch it from 2014 – 2019. It’s really good series, but I have to admit that maybe it’s uncomfortable for some people. It’s not only horror, but also contains dehumanizing scene. There are violating, sadistic, and bloody pictures. Watch pathetic yet vain death, sometimes I feel pity and it left unpleasant impression.

For the few months, I’ve watched some criminal series on Netflix. It’s ‘happier’than AHS. My current favorite series is Ms. Fisher : Murder Mystery. The vibe to this series is like watching Sherlock but in a woman version.

It’s a Australian series with the 1920s background, it can bless everyone eyes by the cinematographic. I love the clothes that the actors/actresses wearing. The Australian-British accent makes eargasm as well. Oh and the story itself.. there are 3 seasons, per season contains about 10-13 episodes and it’s a different story, different case, but same main actors/actresses.

She claimed herself as a private detective after solving her first murder case. As she was a noble person so she employed some loyal workers with her. One of them is Dot, her companion. Dot was sooo beautiful and elegant tho :,)

Ms. Fisher solving many cases cooperated with local troop, Jack and his subordinate, Hugh. Hugh and Dot was having an akward relationship. They’re silly when met each other.

Sadly, the series was no longer produced. It was produced 2012 – 2015. Based on Wikipedia, the producer tried to have a typical series on 2019, but can’t find it on Netflix L

Well.. for my 16 days to go.. since I write two post at the same day, so the story same with the previous one.

#Day11 = #17DaysToGo

Today’s theme is writing about siblings.

I have a big sister. She isn’t big by the literal meaning, but she’s older than me. Our age range is about four years. She’s the kindest yet loveable sister for me. She likes to tease me since we’re child; she kisses me with a silly face and if that so, I like to pinch her hand until she says sorry to me. How rude I am, return the love sign into the abomination ~ my apologies, sis >.<

She always does that, even after knows I will bearish to her, idk but she will tease me with her own teasing till I take my avenge :,) by writing this, I recalled our togetherness and I feel sorry for her for being rude since she’s soo kind L

She’s been in Depok since 2016 to work. She’s working on the hospital as a nurse. I’m amazed to know her struggle finding the proper job after trial and error. Finding work that suitable for yourself isn’t easy y’all.. it’s related to my 17 days to go..

I’m in my comfort zone right now. It’s so comforting then I find this is something that I don’t want to. I feel helpless. I work for some documents prepared to clinical accreditation. It’s just sitting in front of my laptop.. alone.. I have my own “room” to work in. I’m beyond happy to do this job. But again, I feel self- downgrading. i have back and forth with my mother, my spouse, and of course my self. Battling own arguments and idea whether to stay or not, since my contract end this September.

It’s not easy.. even today, I have a little fight about the decision that we’ve made, questioning myself : isn’t it stupid to go out from your comfort zone into the jungle during this pandemic ? even people out there struggle to find a job and here I am, resign. I have a strong reason tho.. because yeah, I’m gonna move from Jogja. Yhe choice either Jakarta or Lampung.

But again, God.. please lead me…..    

#Day10 = #18DaysToGo

Today’s theme is Your best friend

I had an issue about friendship. I’m not good at maintaining friendship. People come and go, only few stay. I don’t even know what’s the criteria to fill requirements as a best friend. When I have a new friend, I’m wobbling to open myself to them.

Indeed I admit some closest friend as best friends. One closest yet longest friend I’ve ever had, her name is Seta. We’ve been knew each other since….. 1995. 25 years of friendship, I called her growth and development best friend. Hahaha.. fun fact, even I knew her for a very long time, i still have feeling  not knowing her well, and so does her to me. It’s simple.. moreover I don’t even know myself.. if weren’t not, then who will ?

Nevertheless, I do feel comfortable to have a conversation with her. We could having chit chat for hours and I felt our chatter is precious. We barely talked about others, we focused on ourself. Where should we go to our future, how to gain it, what’s the threat and opportunity, and so on. Beyond happy to share what’s our plan to someone that has the same vision. I feel energized after have a talk with her.. and I hope she could feel the same :,)

My other best friends, my college friends, they are my other type of best friends. We’re in same boat, convince the idiom ‘people with the same feather will flock together’. We have no idea where to go, sometime we hold each other hand to ford this life quarter crisis. Today, we have the same struggle to stabilize our job, whether it’s right or not.

My 18 days to go before marriage.. I convince my colleagues about my movements. They said they will miss me, it’s something that I don’t really like about the goodbye, feeling lost. I don’t know they just said to relief or they truly feel it.. but, whatever it is.. I have mixed feeling.. one thing that I should remember : there is good, in goodbye.. I really hope God will lead my steps……….

#Day9 = #19DaysToGo

Today’s theme is Write About Happiness

Happiness. At #Day2 I’ve had written about things that make me happy and now I’m challenged to write about happiness.

What is happiness ? no wonder it is everything that make us happy. To write this writing I’m inspired by Indra Herlambang and Hana Razaq instagram live. They’ve had talked about abundance and I think it’s related to today’s theme. They asked their followers and made a recap of the answers. These are five things sequence by the highest answer :

1. healthy : unfortunately, number one is healthy. It’s make sense because we are on the pandemic right now and healthy is the most important thing. What’s the point if you have much money and surrounded by people you love if you alone are sick ?

2. family : they shared about the think of if one of the family members passed away, it couldn’t be replaced. They would give everything they have as an exchange but it sounds not comparable.  

3. spouse and friend : it’s related to support of people around us. Someone to cry on, the ‘human diary’, someone to share both of joy and sorrow

4. carrier : some of the answers thought that the successful of their carrier would give them abundace

5. money : yeah, money has the lower number of answer. Some people think what so called ‘money can’t buy happiness’

Related to the theme, if I was asked about the same question and I had to make a list from the most important to the unimportant, it could be tough and difficult. I think that happiness is a triangle on a circle; there three spot that are connected by line to one spot to another spot. The spots are : money, love, and healthy. If one line disconnected, then it doesn’t count as a triangle, does it ? then the circle on the outer of triangle is ourself. I mean.. happiness is a feeling in ourself, it makes whatever it is, it will come back to ourself, because happiness is a choice, no ?

Back to the their instagram live, they gave some tips to feel abundance (I’m just share it, even myself ain’t accept all of they said, but it’s good to as a little reminder) :

1. gratitude to small things   

Gratitude is the healthiest emotion feeling, the energy is beyond happiness. There are happy hormones, dopamine and serotonin storm that come out if we could fell gratitude. One tip to learn about gratitude is to write a gratitude journal per day.

2. do not compare with the others

We can’t compare our journey to the other, everyone has their own challenges. One person that we’re allowed to compare is ourself. Is us today better than yesterday ? it’s related to number one tho, just focus on what we have.

3. less complain

Complaining is natural, but don’t too much. Everything that goes to overload ain’t good, right ? Hanah said that there is research to convince complaining will damage the braincells at hippocampus. A tip is to divert the complaining’s energy into other activity, for example tear off the paper.

4. attract all good things

They said if we think about good things, then do-good will come to us. (Well.. to be honest is the most-not-me thing. I agree to disagree with this idea. For me, it’s okay to not think all good things, even I prefer to think the bad ones, so if there are bad things happened, I am a little prepared for it.. managing expectations is one of the key –this is my opinion)

Okay.. this is my longest writing.. on my 19 days to go before marriage.. my mother, my fiancé, and I prepared for the bathing decoration. It’s fun ! we arrange the plants with ‘gebluk, mat, and pots. Hopefully it goes well :D

#Day8 = #20DaysToGo

Today’s theme is The Power of Music

I do believe in the power of music. Music is embodiment of feelings and expressions. When sad, I’d like to hear sad song, when I’m in a mood of dancing and swirling, I prefer to hear song with the good beat. It’s magical particularly when I am feeling down, music can help me to release feeling. I could sobbing with camouflaged the water (I like to hear music when I take a bath :p)

Another power of music is it can bring back memories in a specific time. I still remember some songs that could take me back into my desperate year, when I’m listening to Sam Smith “I’m Not The Only One”, Ellie Goulding “Love Me Like You Do”, Maliq n D’essentials “Himalaya”, and another song (I’m not gonna put them into this writing because it will make a long note). These songs still give me chills when I’m hearing it.

Songs that reminds me of my former crush; he likes indie-rock music so at that time I’m listening into his favorite music and so I realize his taste on music is on another level (it turns I love the songs as well !); like Submarine full album by Alex Turner; and his band Arctic Monkey ( I love Why You’d Only Call Me When You’re High and Do I Wanna Know); some songs from Lana Del Rey, oh yeah.. and I remember when we went out together we sang “The Scientist” by Coldplay. That’s really good time ~

Got into my internsip program, I listening to Billie Eilish song “Burry a Friend”, “Lovely”, “When a Party is Over”. These song could let me go off my feeling, it was stressing when I was in my internsip so I did need something to express my feeling.

There are many certain times that connected to certain songs and some of them is having a strong memories until I can remember every detail of it, whether good or bad ones.

Last but not least, music can give you strength and motivation. When feeling blue, things ain’t go as planned, some songs will raise yourself. For example “Yang Patah Tumbuh Yang Hilang Berganti” by Banda Neira, or maybe religion songs can remind of God.

Okay.. for my 20 days to go.. my fiancé comes back from Jakarta to Jogja and we plan a decoration to our bathing ritual, it’s exciting yet tiring because we want to make our own design. LOL. We were strolling around the city but we hadn’t found proper goods to decorate the place. Well.. marriage is a totally a team work, even for the preparation we have to manage to not put ourself exceed the others.     

#Day7 = #21DaysToGo

 Today’s theme is Favorite Movie

I love watching movie. I have ups and downs about what is the most favorite one. Sometimes cartoon or anime was interest me but later I found criminal was better, but lately I have to claim that maybe the best of all movies is Klaus. It’s my comfort movie. It’s one of a few movies that I had to pause several times because it’s just too good so I’m not tough to end it.

It’s cartoon tho..  or anime ? I don’t know what are the differences. LOL. it’s an original Netflix movie that was released on November 2019. Based on Wikipedia, Klaus not only won many awards, such as : Best Animated Film  on British Academy Film Award, Annie Award for some categories, and Best Ibero-American Animation Feature Film on Quirino Award, but also it was nominated for various awards like Academy Award even Oscar.

No doubt because this movie is just magnificent, lovely, precious, or everything you name it. Klaus is about a postman named Jesper that was given task by his father to send many letters on the desolate island. On his journey, he met a woodsman, Klaus. Klaus is a gigantic gloomy man and Jesper is a lazy yet ingenious man. Together, they made a change distinctive to the children there.

One thing that made me amazed is this movie could be the picturesque way to introduce Santa Claus. It’s not related to any religion, everything on this movie is just makes sense. Why there are reindeers to the trim, the flying trim, why it’s related to children and toys, and how do only the good child gets the present. It’s packed beautifully. i feel touched at the end of the movie. it’s really great movie.. go and watch it guys !

Well, on this my 21 days to go.. actually I’m cheating. This writing is supposedly published yesterday but I was tired. My family and I had a major plan to visit my grandfather and my grandmother graves on Wonosari. I want to ask  their blessing for my wedding, besides there were some another plans to do. We were strolling around for hours. It was tiring and so when I went home, I laid down straight away into my bed ~    

#Day6 = #22DaysToGo

Today’s theme is Single and Happy

Disclaimer : I’m not single (anymore). I’m already in a relationship this past three years.

But I have ever experienced for being single and happy –and it was happened on 2013. I just ended my relationship with past-lover and I was sad for a couple moments. We’re ending the story, in my opinion, with consent and compromised one to another. We discussed and found no light in the end of long dark tunnel. He was really a nice man, we still texted each other even after our story was ended. It ain’t anger text or threat or something bad, it was on the good side.  

 I felt the ending was right, and I had no regret. I cried, yes, but then I felt free for myself. Later on, I felt happiness. Not thinking about relationship because I realized I need some me time, I just happily with my own self, having a really good time with my friends, without checking phones. All I could say is.. I found myself. Even my friends said my face went shiner and brighter; is it what they say if you’re happy then it will affect to your body ? Perhaps. LOL.

By writing this, it’s bringing back memories and I am smiling now.

Sadly, end of 2014 I sank in a toxic relationship. It was the worst relationship I’ve ever been in. It’s toxic, hurting, and just throw as many bad word as you can. I was lost myself. About two and half years hanged in a nightmare relationship, cried all day long, ooowww… (I’m shaking my head now) it’s painful. Really-really pain.  I’m totally in awe.

Two things that I am trying to do are to be thankful for that moment and forgive myself.  I’m still trying until now. I am fully convince that they’re a part of my life that I should accept. Sometimes I giggled remembering my own stupidity’; of all my sacrifices, on the other hand, I just want a bomb blows up his body and he crawls apologize to me. HAHAHA.. yea, I’m not gonna be hypocritical.

I was thankful for bad journey because if we once experienced the bad ones, we will more appreciate the good ones; and we can say that something is good if we know what’s not good, can’t we ?

If I can borderline the theme single and happy :  just found yourself (my note for my own)

My 22 days to go before marriage.. I feel  I’ve found a person that makes me –at least- fine. At this point, when all massive life changes will come, I feel just so so; because there are a lot of thoughts come, as an overthinker, it’s confusing and stressing. But I have a HUGE relieve feeling to know someone will accompany and support me through all these storms; someone that I can lean on, someone that will walk together into the jungle. I’m not feeling sad or feeling wrong or crying about the relationship at all, not even one tear down –but it comes down for this uncertain condition, and so there's a person who wipes my tears away :)

#Day5 = #23DaysToGo

 Today’s theme is Parents

I want to share about my parent family story. One day I went back from my office and I saw a pile of paper sitting up in the corner of my terrace. It’s near my motorcycle so they caught my eyes. There are handwriting on top of pile. I picked it up and read it whilst I took it into my parlor.

I read with my mother, she was multitasking herself by watching TV and did her work –and read the paper. Later on, I knew that it was my mother’s letter to my father back on around 1990. My father studied in Bogor while my mother stayed in Jogja with my aunt and my sister, I wasn’t born yet at that time.

They had communication by letter and my father collected my mother’s letter on a handmade scrapbook. It sequenced based on the date. How romantic was my father :,) sadly, my mother wasn’t save his letter so my memories about my father was really limited.

When I read it, I could see that my father was thought a lot about my sister.. my mother gave detail about my sister growth, what she’s doing at certain time, even she asked him not to think about her too much.. ah, envy me.. :,)

Maybe my memory about my father is not as much as many daughters in general. He passed away when I was 9 years old and my mother was taking over his role.. she’s the strongest women ever in my life J thank you mom !

About my 23 days to go before marriage.. well, because of this pandemic the church hasn’t have a proper set for wedding mass as usual, they move the altar so –I have to say- the place is too small. In mediocrity, altar is on the middle but it’s arranged for live streaming. We outwit by ask for permission if we can use live streaming as well so we still use the middle altar. But the priest refuse it.. the problem is, the priest who will lead my wedding mass, he minds if we can’t use the middle altar. It’s upsetting tho.. L I was crying the first I knew about that, but I can cope ;) just.. whatever happens.. it will happen.     

#Day4 = #24DaysToGo

 Today’s theme is Places You Want to Visit

There are many places I want to visit. One of my biggest dream is I want to study aboard. Where ? I don’t know, some of the requirements are it should be the safest place for living alone, has the nicest food (HAHA), and one another important thing, I can understand the lecture well. How obvious ! well, we can dream of everything, can’t we ? even the wildest yet the oddest one :p

To mention my kind of country that fill the terms and conditions above, I thought about South Korea. Forget about the lecture, but I would like to spot the food ! I’m eager to their fresh seafood; their Ganjang Genjang, Oyster, San-Nakji, and so on. It’s not included another food like spicy boneless chicken feet, egg steam, Jamaican chicken, samgyeopsal, and it will make a train list if I continue. LOL. I know that some of them can easily be found here, but isn’t it enticing to have the authentic one ?

I admit if I have keen eye and desire for food. Food is one of many things to make me happy; I could spend hours to watch people eating (mukbang), my instagram explore is filled by food pictures, and whenever feel sad, I want to eat delicious food (it’s not luxury and pretentious, sometimes Indomi can bring back my grin –eventhough the sorrow snooping to reclaim it place). When it comes about place, it can’t be dismissed with the food.  

I remember a few years ago, me and my friends had a pleased holiday in Bali. We’re not going to what-so-called-instragamable destination, but we went to place with delightful meal. Fun fact : it’s not expensive ! 

If you just want eat good food, what’s the correlation with study aboard ? the answer is simple : I want to get scholarship. That’s it. hahaha.. well.. ehem :> but imagining to go out makes me hesitate myself. More obvious ! LOL.

It’s related to my 24 days to go. As I said on the previous posts, I feel like I’m on the crossroad. It’s confusing. I want to go out, but it’s visiting, it’s not (yet) staying. And in the end, even I don’t know how to answer : want do you want ?

     

#Day3 = #25DaysToGo

 Today’s theme is Memories

There’re a lot of memories that turn my life, I’d like to share one of them that could be possibly had the biggest contribution into my life transformation.

Back to 2011, I was a dentistry student at a public university in East Java. That ought was my first time wandered off, adventured, went out, (and please insert another synonym here), from Jogja. I was super thrilled to have a new life; I was proud of myself because I could get into that university by did the publical test. I was happy.. I supposed to be happy.. then I realized.. there were many people scoffed and they say something degrading because I chose that place; since here there was a way better university to come, but it was first option and I was accepted to my second option.. hearing their mocked things, my happiness just faded away.. their words like a dagger stabbed straight into my heart.. I’m not that proud anymore.

Back then, life must go on, and I went to that place. My smile came again since I met my wonderful friends. Not only we attended the same class, but also we lived on the same dorm. We shared story, we laughed to ourself because we knew why we ended here. LOL.

Three months later.. I had to go back to Jogja. My mother was sick. To be honest she felt unwell since I went out from Jogja, maybe she was stress to release her childish daughter into another part of the Java. Her illness got the peak and she was treated in hospital. Well.. I won’t be a disobedient so my moved became inevitable. And thank God, she never went to hospital anymore since my movement :")

I had to continue my study and so, luckily, there was a private university called for some students, yea, it’s my alma mater. I studied here, with another friendly friends; with same path.. we’d already went to another university then we met at the same place.. maybe that’s what they said : fate.

What I felt at that time was uncomfortable. It’s painful to announce that I moved from public university to private one. I was timid. I won’t meet anybody, especially my high school friends. I don’t know.. it’s just.. I wasn’t ready yet to answer their questions of my movement. There was a moment one of them called me “ansos” and later on, I was crying.. I didn’t mean to but it’s pain.. so.. what should I do then ? isn’t it tragic that you’ve turn from the friendliest one into antisocial one ?

Hahaha..

It’s called memory, but it feels like it was today. The impact is still on here.. I feel like I owe myself to go out from here.. and that’s my 25 days to go story.. is it the right time to pay off ?

 

 

      

#Day2 = #26DaysToGo

 Today’s theme is Things That Make You Happy

When I’m thinking about happiness, there’s only one thing that pop up in my head.. family. This pandemic makes me closer with my mother. We do cook, sport, and everything together. I’m beyond happy because this is something that we rarely did before the pandemic. We had our own list to do, even one day we barely meet each other because of our bustle. During this pandemic we reduce our intensity to go out, we spend most of time in our home. I’m grateful for this moment J

Talking about family, today’s my late father’s birthday. Yeyy ! He supposedly turns 64 years old now. To celebrate his birthday, mother and I went to his grave. We forgot to bring some flowers, luckily, there are some blooming flowers there. We picked them up and adorn the tombs with beautiful pink flowers.

Sadly my sister can’t come back to celebrate with us. She stays in another city, working on the hospital as a nurse.  I miss her, it’s been nine months we can’t see each other eyes, just by phone :”) hope you stay safe and healthy, sis…

That’s one most important thing to make me happy. There’s a lot more, one simple thing : delicious food ! eating is one of my coping mechanisms to deal with this cruel world :” I can spend lots of money to eat, but not for another things, e.g clothes. Hahah..

Remembering today’s also my 26 days to go before marriage.. I had an intense talk with my father this morning. It went emotional; my mother and I both crying in front of his last resting place.. when I’m married, I have to prepare about my future in another city –or another island; mourning about uncertainty future is really depressing.. Dad, do you mind to accompany us wherever God lead us ?   

#Day1 = #27DaysToGo

 Hello ! welcome back to another writing challenge. My friend sent me this challenge and I want to do it; I want to make this writing challenge as both motivation and count down to my wedding, hahaha ~~~~~ the time is right tho :3

Theme for #Day1 is Describe Your Personality

People learn, people grow, people adapt to its surrounding. I giggled when I saw my high school yearbook, it showed that I was the most friendly student at that time. LOL. Sorry guys who awarded me, I’m not as friendly as you think now. I did realize many people saw me as a happy, cheerful, lovely, and another pizzazz thing few years ago, but now I feel I’m the introvert one. I feel energized when I'm alone.. I have no excitement (or have no energy ?) to socialize with another people. If you’re not greeting me, then I am not. I can stay in my office for hours without talking to no one, yea I know maybe it’s not right.. then sometime I leave out my tiny room, walk in to parlor, smile to another guys, then come back in my cozy cave. Repeat.

I’m an overthinker person. I like to scrutinize my own life and my own decision. It’s driving me crazy. I am quiet, but my brain is so loud. When I ride my motorcycle, I’d like to yell because my brain is so noisy. I like to think about everything… like… everything deeply. I can think about my five until ten years from now, with the negatives (mostly) option. It’s kinda pessimistic; but I consider myself as an anticipatory one.

Hothead. Oh yeah, I’m a hothead person ! I could easily pissed off of everything, furthermore when it goes to my menstrual cycle.. even me is scared of myself.. I’m still finding the right way to control my anger. Sorry to everyone I’m yelling off.. L  

Some people see me as a painstaking person, maybe because I am an overthinker ~ fun fact about me, I don’t like people think that I am so good while I’m not that good; I like people see me as a bad one while I’m not that bad.. it’s terrifying yet terrific to know what people see me an assiduous girl.. thank you for the appreciation but it goes along with responsible.

Okay, that’s my first day… and also my 27 days to go before marriage… I am so nervous to have a new status.. my mind is going everywhere, it’s full of “what if”.. yea I know on this pandemic with all of these uncertainties are tiring for mind, soul, and body. But life must go on.. trust God will lead J