Tentang Pelecehan dan Kekerasan Seksual

Siapa yang tak pernah mendengar pelecehan dan kekerasan seksual ? Pasti semua orang tahu, atau bahkan pernah mengalaminya.  Pelecehan dan kekerasan seksual, memang serupa, tapi tak sama. Ada yang menyebut pelecehan termasuk ke dalam kekerasan seksual per definisinya, namun dalam perbincangan dan kasus sehari hari masih tumpang tindih untuk pengaplikasiannya. Kurasa hal ini amat berpengaruh terutama untuk penentuan pasal pasal dalam hukum terkait dengan pidana yang akan digunakan di pengadilan.

 

Belakangan kedua hal ini santer diberitakan di media sosial, twitter terutama, paling tidak untukku. Aku yakin, sebetulnya sejak dulu sudah banyak kasus yang terjadi, namun tidak terekspos. Saat ini, saat era serba digital, dengan media sosial sebagai ujung tombak ke-viral-an, -yang mana kasus baru akan mendapat perhatian kalau viral-, orang orang mulai mengakui apa yang mereka alami. Hal ini bagai fenomena gunung es yang baru kelihatan puncaknya. 

Banyak orang (ternyata) pernah dilecehkan. Bentuk kekerasan dan pelecehan yang dialamipun beragam, mulai cat calling, grepe, bahkan sampai pemerkosaan berujung kematian. Hal ini membuat mataku sedikit terbuka, khususnya pada wanita; jelas, karena akupun wanita; yang (ternyata) pernah dilecehkan beberapa kali dalam hidupku.

(Ternyata) pernah dilecehkan, tidak hanya sekali dua kali, lebih dari itu. Singkatnya yang kuingat sudah 3 kali. Pantat dipegang saat masih SD, catcalling di stadion saat sedang jogging pagi, dan dicium di ruang operasi. Iya, di kening. Sial. Kalau ditanya, bajunya bagaimana ? Yang pertama pakai baju SD, kedua pakai baju training lengan dan celana panjang, yang ketiga pakai baju jaga. Tertutup semua.

Baru menyadari setelah sekian tahun berselang, itupun karena menjadi perbincangan hangat saat saat ini. Pandangan yang tadinya buta dan tertutup tembok, sekarang menjadi, yah, paling tidak rabun dan sedikit berlubang temboknya. Ada pencerahan karena ternyata pelecehan seksual, kekerasan seksual, dan apapun di antaranya amatlah luas dibumbui berbagai macam pro kontra yang menyertai.

Selama ini bahkan tidak menyadari semua yang pernah aku alami tadi termasuk dalam pelecehan seksual, saat itu hanya dijadikan bahan bercandaan dengan teman teman. Meski, perasaan kaget, takut, brain freeze, itu nyata. Yang terpikir ketika berbicara mengenai pelecehan dan kekerasan seksual ya, maaf, pemerkosaan semata. Belum tau bahwa ‘spektrum’ nya amat beragam.

Sebuah pemikiran, bila aku saja, yang dianggap orang orang berpendidikan ini tidak bisa berbuat apa apa atau bahkan tidak menyadari (ternyata) pernah dilecehkan, bagaimana yang dianggap tidak berpendidikan ? Bagaimana yang mungkin saat ini belum melek teknologi ?

Opini, pelecehan dan kekerasan seksual bukanlah semata mata tentang hawa nafsu, namun lebih dari itu. Pelecehan dan kekerasan seksual  menunjukkan relasi kuasa, menunjukkan bahwa seseorang merasa lebih berkuasa dibandingkan dengan yang lain, paling tidak untuk saat tertentu. Bisa juga disertai dengan perasaan sakit hati, cemburu, bahkan dendam. Contoh, seorang wanita menolak cinta orang lain, lalu ia diperkosa. Serapat apapun baju yang dikenakannya, namun karena tujuan dari pelaku adalah balas dendam, ia ingin menunjukkan kuasanya pada korbannya, dan terjadilah hal yang tidak diinginkan itu.

Pelecehan dan kekerasan seksual tidak semata mata sulit menahan nafsu, melihat orang lain langsung tidak bisa mengendalikan diri dan harus langsung disalurkan begitu saja. Tidak. Kurasa manusia sudah dibekali dengan akal dan nurani, yang membuatnya berbeda dengan hewan serta tumbuhan. Menimpakan alasan hanya pada nafsu kurasa kurang tepat.

Menjaga diri untuk menghindari perbuatan orang lain yang tidak diinginkan, ya aku setuju. Kita tidak bisa mengendalikan orang lain, namun kita bisa mengendalikan diri sendiri, ya aku setuju. Tetapi sekali lagi, kita manusia yang memiliki akal untuk mengendalikan diri kan ? 

Ada yang menganalogikan pelaku dan korban sebagai kucing dan ikan. Mana ada kucing nolak bila ditawari ikan ? Katanya sih begitu. Baiklah, bila demikian, mengapa analoginya hewan dengan makanannya ? Bukan sesama hewan yang sepadan ? Bukankah pelecehan dan kekerasan seksual yang kita bahas dari tadi adalah mengenai manusia dengan manusia lain ? Analogi hewan dan makanannya justru memperkuat adanya relasi kuasa. Pelaku merasa lebih berkuasa sehingga ia memakan korbannya. 

Pembahasan mengenai pelecehan dan kekerasan seksual memang tidak ada habisnya. Batasan, termasuk mengenai consent, masih samar, apalagi nanti terkait hukuman dan tetek bengek lainnya. Masalah definisinya saja masih menuai perdebatan.

Entahlah, tulisan ini hanya ngomyang, hanya mengeluarkan unek unek. (Ternyata) pernah lho aku jadi korban pelecehan seksual. 

#Day30 = #3MonthsPlus4DaysAfter

The theme is write about what do you feel when you write.

Hi ! finally we reach into the last theme of 30 days writing challenge. Even I can’t make it continuously, some days I had to whether skip or make few writes on the same day, but I am happy to finish this challenge. This is my second challenge I’ve been finished, first on May 2020 I joined another writing challenge, it was a competition, the theme was free, and I decided to write a long story with the title, ‘Kelana’. The story was about a man named Kelana who had an adventure to find a gold lotus in order to save the princess from an evil witch. I didn’t win the challenge, obviously. Hahaha.. however, I was satisfied to finished it as well.

Back to the theme, about what I feel when write, I feel relieve.

By writing, I could release and realize what I feel. I feel confident to share my story through this platform. I am not a social media person, my last photo in instagram was more than a year ago. LOL. I rarely post on my instagram, I don’t feel comfortable to share on that media. Different from instagram, I openly share everything on my blog, even sometimes I felt too open here. Hahaha.. when I wasn’t post anything on my instagram in 2020, I posted more than 40 writes on my blog. I like blog because it’s so old for some people and almost none of my friends using this. It’s like I can fulfill my willingness to update my life online, but there’s no a reader. And I am feeling comfortable with that. Hahahaha.. if someone throws a question to me, ‘hey, you never post anything on your instagram or twitter’ then I will say, ‘I did.. on my blog’. Case closed. Hahahha..

I am giggle when write this because it’s true.     

Reading back on the previous post on this challenge is like a life journey. When I wrote the first day, I hadn’t married yet, I was with my mother.. and then on the day 30, my life is changing. I was worried about everything and I am still worry, but my thought was the same : surrender. There are many things I want to share, why I end up here, how, and so on. Maybe later I will tell my magical (?) or naïve (?) story.

Okay then, thank you for reading this post. Yey I can finish this challenge !

#Day29 = #3MonthsPlus2DaysAfter

The theme is My goals for the future

HEY ! long time not to write.. but I really think I still have an owe to finish this challenge. It’s a long challenge tho, it’s capturing some life-changing moments in me. Takes some times just to accept what was happened and will happen to me both now and in the future.

Short story, at November 2020 I went to a psychiatrist and she diagnosed me with adjustment disorder related with depression and anxiety. She wanted to give me medication, BUT she couldn’t because… I’m pregnant. Yes… there are many things happened to my life in blink of eye. Only in 30 days, everything has changed. She suggested me to have some brain therapy; she said there would be some cables on my head, and they will analyze my brain electricity. I said I couldn’t go to the where the therapy should be done because it was far from my home and I couldn’t tell anybody yet about my condition. And then, here I am, still struggling with my own condition; sometimes some bad thought flashed, luckily I am sober enough to kick it away.

Sooo.. here some of my short life changing :

1. marriage on 10^th October 2020

I guess I’ve told about my wedding on my previous story. Yeah, marriage was my first step to leave my comfortable home to go out face the other side of life that I’ve never seen before. I am happy, but it still challenging, how I deal with my husband, make some BIG decisions for our life, sometimes we had an argue, but the willing to forgive and accept and tolerance (and put you name it), made a marriage works, doesn’t it ?

By marriage, I have to face that I have to go out from my town, leaving my mother to be with my husband. It’s not a requirement, but a choice. As I said before, as a newly wed, we had to make big decisions and this is an example.

2. be accepted as a civil servant on 30^th October 2020

I don’t how to express this feeling. First I was happy because I’ve got a job, but the sacrifices were just too much. Is it worth it ? I have to go out from this island –not only town, but also island-, being alone, far away from both my family and husband, furthermore, I don’t know how long this condition will happen. Some says that I can ask for mutation, but the bureaucracy is very complicated and then we have to spare a big amount of money. Oh God……..

3. pregnant, known at 8^th November 2020

Yeah.. first time I knew I was pregnant I couldn’t say any words and so did my husband. We both silenced and stared at each other. Of course we happy, but with my condition.. alone in separate island, far away from everyone we know well.. i want to have some times to adapt and here there is a little angel.

Our journey for these past three months was crazy. I had to go to Tangerang, Bogor, Bali, and Lampung within a month. The next weekend, I had my way back to Yogyakarta then two weeks later I came again to Lampung, and I decided to Jakarta after spent a week in Lampung, a week later I back to Yogyakarta, then next week I went to Lampung again, then Palembang, last I back to Lampung. It’s crazy, isn’t it ?

I had milestones as a pregnant women : Hyperemersis gravidarum, constipation, changing body temperature, with arrhythmia and fatigue. Yeah, a little journey.

Let’s go back to the theme.

For many life changing I’ve experienced, my goals are really turns 180 degrees. Firstly, I want to have a great carrier, as a civil servant on the other Java, I thought I will have a chance to thrive (to be honest that’s my biggest solace living here). And then I pregnant, my goals become different. My only goal for now is my child. I just think about him/her (I don’t know the gender yet). Every time I pray, I pray for my child. For the first time, I think when eating. What should I eat ? what’s the nutrition I didn’t get today, I have to add it tomorrow. I tried to stay sane and healthy for my child (yeah, I almost cry while writing this).  When the first I thought about further education, then I thought about my child education here. I don’t have any high expectation tho, remembering my mental health is important as well.. I think being health physically and mentally are my another goal.

okay, I think that’s for the writing. Thanks for whoever reading this. I want to tell you that I am okay, I still think clearly and do nothing stupid ^^ hahaha..  

#Day28 = #16DaysAfter

 The theme is : write about loving someone.

I have had written about love at my previous writing (but I forget which one ;p) and my sight about it still same. Love is a process. Love is something we do yet improve for the rest of our life. Love isn’t always be indicated by ‘butterfly on the stomach’, sometimes we don’t feel anything but we do know that we love it.

Yesterday night I had a discussion with my husband about our future. It went intense, some of his words were hurt and I believed so were mine to him. I wasn’t talk to him for few minutes and I decided to talk again after I cooled down myself. Next morning, we communicate as usual; as if nothing happened. It’s a little spice of the marriage, and that’s how marriage works, in my opinion. Discuss, maybe there’s a time we had a different ideas and it triggers us to upset, but the willingness to come back to apologize if needed, to open up both heart and mind, then accept the whole discussion comprehensively (accepting the ideas doesn’t same thing with agree, but at least we try to realize and understand that there are other idea, other option that could be different or against ours), are things will happen all the time for the marriage lyfe. If there’s no love, how could we do it ? rather than determine ‘butterfly on the stomach’ as a love, I prefer discussion-apologizing-accepting; including marriage is a teamwork.

How to show the love is important. How do the others know we love them, if they couldn’t feel it ? love can disguise as a many things; it can be actions, words, or something in between; you named it. The preferences of love sign itself can be different one to another.   

Note : I’ve done this writing since 16 days after my marriage but I post it now 

PS (again) : I've wrote this on my blog BUT again, I didn't click publish yet ~

#Day27 = #13DaysAfter

The theme is : someone who inspires me.

Of course it’s my mom ! Even though she’s my single parent; my father was passed away when I was 9 years old; but she could raise me and my sister well. How could a single mother, work as a high school teacher, foster two children, one becomes nurse, one becomes doctor, furthermore if the second one from a private university ? she had a fascinating money calculation.

I remembered when I was a child, I couldn’t eat fried chicken, it’s expensive food for us at that time.  When all my friends had mobile phone, there’s me who couldn’t afford that one. When our neighbor busy upgrading their house, there were us who’s stand still the same building with required renovation. Sometimes I felt ‘were us that pathetic ?’

Years later, I realized the importance of financial, even I still bad at it, but at least my mind has been opened a little. Everything I want doesn’t always mean that’s what I need. There’s priority for everything since we can’t afford all and my mother’s priority was clear : education.

As a teacher, she always said about education and its importance. She wanted to give us provision of life and education could lead as a compass, especially for a job. She embedded that woman should stand on her feet. She told me, one day, she said that when I was a toddler, my mother had a hard time to take care of two children, although she had two babysitters at time; one for me and other for my sister. She felt uncomfortable to give trust to our babysitters. Then the idea came up crossed her mind to quit from her job, but after she thought it deeply, the idea ended as an idea; she never quit as a high school teacher. Fortunately, that’s the best move because years later, my father was passed away :’if she quit from her job, then who will pay for our basic needs ? it’s scary to think though…

She’s very inspiring, strong, have a good calculation, full of love, and loyal.. I knew that many men tried to catch her up, but she always ignores them. I didn’t how but when God created her, He must be in a very good mood to make a perfect women.

a screenshot of me and my mother had a video call two days ago :)

I hope I could take the good sides of her and throw away the bad ones. Maybe that’s one of many reasons I want to go out from my hometown. I want to be both strong and independent women as if I have a child, I can raise him/her well. I don’t know is it good idea or not, let God lead…

As my 27^th writing, I have been writing for three days. LOL. I try to make a financial note and it kinda works.. I tried to more thrifty ^^ I hope I can constantly doing this and grow up better.     

#Day26 = #11DaysAfter

Hello! Still on the apartment, with my pajama, let’s write !

The theme is My School.

When I am  being asked to write about school, I decide to write about my junior high school. It’s because it hasn’t existed anymore, it exists but in different name. it changed the name because they want to back to its indigenous name since they hitched a name on other school to gain student. How pathetic, isn’t ? they had to have ‘a little disguise’, not being their self to stay on the survival. It’s a private school so the income much from the cost of education a.k.a from the students, beside from the main foundation.

In early 2000’s, especially 2005 -the year I went to the school-, it’s popular as a reserve school. Students who hadn’t accepted in the public school, will enroll to this school, and yea.. including me. I was signing for one of the best junior high school in my town, but it turned I wasn’t being accepted, so I went to this school. Luckily, I’d met another friends who had the same experience with me. LOL.

I had many friends and they came from different social class. It was a relief realized that the social class wasn’t the problem at that time. My ‘high-class-student’, marked by either the car they’d got into nor their mobile phone, they still want to make friends who’s even didn’t have a ‘proper home’, marked by they don’t have bathroom in their house.

I did appreciate the teacher. They worked hard, like really hard in my opinion. I had a comparison between them and my teacher at my high school and that’s what I observed. My junior high school teacher was trying only for making us passed the national exam. To be honest I loved their way to teach us the subject. I was a kind of student that had to be given pressure to study and they did it well. On the other hand, my senior high school teacher was freely and let us to study alone; simply because they always thought us as a smart student, since I studied at one of the favorite school in my town. It’s sad..

From this writing, I know that none of them will read my writing.. but I want to say thank you for them for making me as me.. I can feel what kind of student I am, I could feel how’s to have a great teacher who will cry for us because we didn’t do well (hello, Bu Salamah ^^) and the others I could mention one by one, thank you. Thank you..

And for my 11 days after marriage.. well.. today I learnt about simple financial planning. Supported by the expensive cost living here, a little disappointed by the high price of fruits L making three dishes in one day make me appreciate more all the house wife out there ! four thumbs for you all !^^   

#Day25 = #9DaysAfter

Still on the same day, same place, except I have to charge my laptop and my mobile phone to continue this challenge, so I have to move near the electric socket. Okay, let’s move to the theme !

The theme is something inspired of the 11^th image on your phone.

this is my 11th photo on my galery

This photo was taken yesterday, when my husband want to take out the vehicle registration to apartment broker. She wanted to manage free parking on the apartment and the requirements include photo of vehicle registration.  While he was busy prepared our new room, I just had a seat, sipped my ice tea and took a candid of him. I didn’t know anything about moving, especially apartment. This is my first time, even entering the apartment. I have no idea about this.

The reason I took the candid of him because I intended to share it, first I want to make it my instagram/ whatsapp story with the caption, ‘thank you my sugar daddy for the apartment’ LOL. Note : actually this is not my cup of tea to share this things, so I just giggled, and thought about the other caption. But later, maybe it’s unnecessary. Then I wanted to share with my mother and sister. I like to share everything to them. After I took that, I felt it’s still useless so I did nothing.. and for someone who dosen't know anything, one thing i could do is not to bother. Hahaha.. at least I could capture the moment ;p moment when I feel he's so responsible yet so cool. He's, always.. but that time was more than the usual ;p

I have a ‘problem’ with sharing on my social media. I haven’t posted a photo for a year ! even my engagement, pre-wedding, and wedding aren’t there yet. I don’t know.. but I feel timid to update my own life with others. I enjoy living on my ‘cave’, share my story to certain people. My bad, sometimes I think too much about people mind about me. I don’t like being in spotlight, when I have to share my wedding to some whatsapp groups, I’m not comfortable because I knew they will congratule me. I love it since I realize they pray the good things to me, they still remember and respect me, but still feel shy being the center of the chit chat.

I have other account for both my instagram and my twitter. Simply because I can share everything freely. Not everyone has the privilege to be my friends both in the accounts *LOL, WHO ARE YOU NEN, hahaha.. even I don’t have any mutual friend in my twitter. It’s like I talk alone in a room full of unknown people, and I LOVE IT ^^

Okay then, that’s my story for the theme. See you in another writing !

#Day24 = #9DaysAfter

HI ! I’ve failed my challenge. My plan was doing this challenge while counting down on my wedding, but after several cheats, I still couldn’t do it properly, but I wouldn’t make this challenge 100% as a failure.

First I want to tell my activity during the little hiatus. On 9^th October I did my seserahan, siraman, and midodareni. 10^th October was my wedding and after it we couldn’t do what so called honeymoon because we had to go to our families to ask their blessings. It was sooo tiring, yet delightful. As if i –personally- didn’t have other mind burden. Luckily my score was qualified for the civil servant test, but everything could possibly since the final announcement hasn’t come out yet.

Today’s 19^th October, I am sitting on the sofa in our new temporary apartment and writing my delayed challenge.

The theme is write a lesson you’ve learned.

As a new marriage couple, we have many advices from the older. One advice embedded in my head is marriage is a teamwork. And yea, IT IS. Hahaha.. i remembered when we did the housekeeping, I did the laundry, he cooked for our lunch. That’s one both simplest and fastest thing I’ve experienced on my one week marriage life.  I mean the fastest because it happened as soon as we’ve married, even before marriage, teamwork was applicated as well. Because of that, it’s crucial to find a person who we can and we want to have a teamwork with. It’s not easy because first we have to appreciate what the spouse have and tolerate to the weakness. I couldn’t image if he couldn’t do the housekeeping then I have to do all things >.< and neither did him tho. Hahaha..

Besides teamwork, some of the advices I remembered and we hope we can apply to the marriage life :

1. Involve God to our live

Since the priest was the one who said this, I think there’s no question. LOL. But to be honest, we’ve tried to involve Him, we make a new daily routine; pray together in the morning. Not as simple as it seen, we’re still sleepy and got to sleep, then others have to pat to wake up.

2. Love

It’s clear. I do believe that there’s no other perfect foundation than love. It’s my belief, others may have other perspective. But living with my husband, I couldn’t imagine if I didn’t have love for him. How could he’s the first thing you see before and after waking up ? and for the rest of the life ~

3. Forgive

This advice came from my uncle. He said that if the spouse do wrong, forgive. It’s not easy because imagine if you’re still angry but you have you see them every day, you have to do teamwork with them.. it’s hard, but with love MAYBE it will easier ? because love contains forgive each other, no ?

Okay, I think that’s for my writing today. I am excited because I write this next to my husband, in our room.. he works from home so he doesn’t have to go to office already. I hope God will stay in our little family and our love grows, and so for everyone who read this writing.. God bless you and love you <3  

greetings from us

a photo with my late father, bringing and introducing my husband

taking a photo on the beach near our new temporary apartment

#Day23 = #5DaysToGo

Today’s theme is a letter to someone, anyone.

To my mother.

I love you mom, maybe thousands yet hundreds love letters wouldn’t represent my love for you. How I proud of you. How I happy because God sent me to be your child. I’ve said I love you many times recently because I feel.. I do love you. I don’t know. I want to say as much as I can, kiss you, hug you.. maybe because I will go out from this town.. leaving you.. I will say that again and again. I will wait for your come to me :’) you have a promise to help me with my children and I tell my kids on how great is their grandmom :’) I’m sorry for all my mistakes, my impulsive words and acts, I do apologize, mom.. I want to make you proud and happy.. :””) I will marry to someone I love, and I hope my love to you doesn’t change at all.. love you, mom.. J

*I write this with tears on my eyes.. oh God.. my mother, a single mother, raises two children.. my sister is a nurse and I am a doctor (note: I was graduated from private university). Many people thought : how come ? my mother is a high school teacher, with limited money, she could send us to not only a university, but also an expensive faculty. All that I can say is.. my mother has a great and incredible calculation. Beside, with the magic hand of God, of course.. because of her, I do believe in the power of pray. Whenever sadness come around, just pray. God will lead..*

#Day22 = #6DaysToGo

Today’s theme is write about today.

To be honest, this supposed to be written on 3^rd October 2020. At that time I was sitting on my room, waiting for the patient. I was on laboratory clinic, substituted my junior. It was bored, but I was happy that everything went good. Plus, I had to go there last year, and the other officer still remember me :,) it turned not that bored tho.. since I couldn’t write my writing there. LOL.

The actual today, is 8^th October 2020. Tomorrow is my ‘seserahan, siraman, midodareni’ time. Today’s another hectic day. I couldn’t write because of my hectic days >.< yet I’m sooooo happy today, by the way. We made a decoration for my siraman, and it goes to good !! we didn’t use any Wedding Organizer yet Wedding decoration for tomorrow, but I am excited because our (not so) hand-made decoration is adorable. It’s simple, but I did know the struggle behind the preparation so I am proud of us ! we don’t want to spend much money for our ‘simple’ siraman, but yeah.. I think we spend MORE. Hahaha.. my mother made two new tables, bought some pots, flowers, mat, tablecloth, and the flowers chain. But when I look at our decoration, yeahhh.. it has to be remembered. Not much I could say on this writing but I will give some before-after decoration.

our first attempt for decoration

i edited it as a draft :))

(not yet) final decoration. the tablecloth is not used yet. hihihi.. but i'm still happy :")

Well.. for wy wedding preparation.. I really think that manicure-pedicure, body scrub, and other body treatments was in issue ! I couldn’t have time for doing that ! LOL. I was busy for small things for the preparation. Wedding book, wedding guide book, photos, whoaaaa… this is really a moment to remember. If marriage is a teamwork, YES IT IS. Since for the preparation needs MUCH TEAM WORK. Not only by the two people, but also the whole family. We have to put out head together and that’s not easy y’all. it contains tears, sweat yet swears. Ups. Hahaha.. God bless our plans. Amen.   

#Day21 = #7DaysToGo

 Today’s theme is write about love.

Talk about love. I’m gonna married next week (well, I write this writing.. two days later I’m gonna married.. so.. let’s pretend I write this on time. LOL) . What’s love ? I remembered had a small talk with my friend about love. We agreed that love is built, it couldn’t happened as quick as light. It needs process. Love doesn’t always mean that you have to feel butterfly on your stomach, heart beats so fast, cold-sweat.. no. it’s not always. Well, we all love our parents but are we feel the palpitations if we stand beside them ? except if we want to make a confess, tho…  but we do know that we love them, we don’t want to lose them, we want to make them happy and proud.. we feel grateful to have them and we can feel the presence of God by them.. I think that’s love.

And yeah, I love my fiancé. That’s why I decided to marry him. He’s not perfect, I do know. He has flaw, but I can accept that (for now and I hope forever). We can’t find perfect spouse, yea, maybe term perfect would be different one to another, but.. everyone has their own bad side. But can’t we accept ? can’t we negotiate with it ? I think that’s important. How we deal with other. At least till now I can do that with him and since we will tie the knot, it will HARD. That’s why I do need God. I do need You, my Jesus to keep my love for him.. to keep my commitment.. we will make an oath.. God, lead us, bless us.. we can’t do without You..