To approach Easter, the resurrection of Christ, we did some preparations. We intended to do fasting and abstinence. It’s supposed to open our heart to accept Jesus. On this writing, I will share about my Lent : loving myself (kinda selfish, uh ?)
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I had hard times at emergency department and March was the worst (until now, and I hope I’m not facing a hard time again). Two examples, a cardiologist got angry with me because I didn't get the right time, time-that-it-should-to-be, to give therapy to a patient. Another, a pulmonologist said I didn’t examine patient appropriately. Well, I’ve done my best for the patient, but I realize there are many limitations.. time management, skill, knowledge, I still learn about it. But yeah, at emergency room there is no space for false, even a little. It’s about a human’s life.
I felt a great fear before on duty at the emergency department and felt sad after that. I was so scared if I did something wrong and I regretted what I’ve done. I felt I was not giving my best to the patient, furthermore to my hospital. I had a paranoid; if I saw a bunch of people talking around, I was sure they are talking bad about me. I felt stupid, useless, and guilty, I was being a burden for others.
One thing that I was sure that I was not okay is when I had a fear or a knife. I could imagine myself cut my hand, and I knew that it was wrong. At this point, at my lowest power and confidence, I just feel that I couldn’t face my internship anymore. But I knew that I was not allowed to do that. I was thinking of how to fix myself.
One day after another hard day, night shift-in the morning, I went to a health center to meet a psychologist. I just couldn’t take my problem alone, I need help from a professional one. I had a session with her, I felt quite relieved after saying my problem. We had a good share, about life, experience, and we talked many recommended books.
And then I remembered about a book, was recommended by my best friend, Filosofi Teras. It was a few weeks ago, I said to her that I had a stressful moment, and she suggested me to read that book.
At that night, I went to the book store and I was lucky because I could find it. It was placed on the best seller book and a shopkeeper helped me.
For a few days, I was immersed with this book. I was amazed with this book. It was my first time reading a philosophy book, but this written clearly so I could read it easily. By reading this book, I got flashback when I read my favorite book, Kicau Kacau by Indra Herlambang and The Not So Amazing Life of Amrazing by Alexander Thian. I really like a book about a reflection of someone’s experience, I could know about their insight that could be applied to my own life.
So does this book. This book is about the writer's experience. First, he told that he should get therapy for his mental health issue. He knew for having a better life was not enough just by consuming medicine and had a session with a therapist. He realized that he had to fix himself by improving his sight about life. At that time, he found a book about Stoicism and started to learn more it more. By writing this book, he wanted to share about Stoicism simply and applicable for other life (comparing to his own life that told been changed after he did Stoicism method).
And yeah, now I want to share some things that hit my mind :
1. First, it’s okay to not always have positive thinking
Well, I am not a positive thinker, to be honest. One day I said about the worst part that could be happened on my internsip to my best friend. He said that I shouldn’t have a negative thought.. later, things that we were worried about has come, and it was hit me. I really thankful because I had a thought about it before so I was not drowning into excessive grief, I’ve been warned by myself.. by not-always-had-a positive thinking, I could imagine any possibilities that could be happened, then I prepared myself more.
2. Second, about trichotomy
There are two things in our life, called dichotomy. First is something that we could afford and the second isn’t. For example, if I have to on duty on ED : I could afford the best decision for the patient but I couldn’t afford about how severity is the patient’s condition. Further, this dichotomy is divided become trichotomy. There is a thing that on the middle, between the dichotomy; it’s a personal goal, include (for example) knowledge. In case I had a patient with multiple diseases, my fear, and guilty (if this patient going worsen) will not as big as if I have a personal goal. I’ve had the knowledge to make the best decision, but I couldn’t afford their life. It’s God privilege.
3. Third, we live on today
I define this point by something that happens today is just for today. I feel sad because a senior doctor got angry with me, okay, I was sad for today. I have to chin up my cheek to face another day.
After reading this book, I feel my mood was going better. I decided to know myself more than before, appreciate me, and trying to love myself. I tried to spend less time online on my social media (because I will compare to other then I felt sad again) and I read my favorite books. I felt so much better.
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Well, that’s my story about Lent. I know that maybe it’s a selfish way, but yeah.. I think if I want to accept God on my heart, I have to prepare myself. And this is my preparation. It’s just like a personage want to come to my house and I have to clean it up, making delicious food, and wear my best clothes. I know my preparation won’t be perfect, but at least I am trying to be a better person, by avoiding some negative thoughts on my head : sad, guilty, and fear.
My Lent this year is really different from others. Mostly I did my abstinence with control my eating habit, it’s both to save money and to restrain myself. But this year I didn’t do it. I need to eat because I have hectic days on the emergency room, I didn’t have to control my eating because I’ve already eaten only two times a day, less snack time nor water. I have to keep healthy so I decided to do this kind of preparation.
I realized that loving myself is not that easy, especially on the end of this Lent, too many temptations by feeling angry, happy, annoyed, and arrogant because of the election’s day. So I came back to open up my social media. It’s a big challenge not to “kepo”-then comparing others with myself –again –then insecurities go back –again.. er.. Keep surviving is way harder than initiating, no ?
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My Easter was amazing. Thank God ! A little bit disappointed because I felt failed to fulfill my lent.. but one thing that I have to remember (yes, and I am repeating on my write : Blessing in Disguise)
I am loved. God sent people that love me. Isn’t it a beautiful message to love myself ? while I’m struggling to love myself, people around me have loved me :) You are amazing, God..
A message from and for myself :
I’m still learning to be a better person. Lent and Easter are the beginning but the struggling will last forever ~ God will lead me.
Thank guys to read my post. Happy Easter to everyone who celebrates it. Don’t forget to love yourself !! xoxo
